January 21, 2013
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40 Days and 40 Nights
January 21, 2013
Posted from Home.
Day 40 in Life 2.0 If you follow me on Facebook you know I have been posting with a day count. Its something I’m doing for me as part of my own healing. It is a count of days since Stephanie’s funeral, but for me it is not a “days since”. I am not looking over my shoulder in that regard. It is a count of days forward and of days achieved. It is a healing count; a tally of accomplishment I am doing for me. And I don’t work the days in from her passing to the services. That was a time of limbo for me. Those days might as well not count in the final total of my life, save for some things that I wrote and posted that were not only healing for me but, it would seem, for many of you as well. I consider the day after the funeral the start of Life 2.0 and here I am 40 days in.
I was thinking of what to write on this weekend. I had a great Friday at school, enjoyed a long but rewarding day with my mom and dad on the road with show choir and woke to a beautiful sunrise yesterday. I enjoyed church, more family time and have been surrounded with the best friends and family a person could wish for. But last night it hit me. Like a sack of bricks. I was on my way home early in the evening and then to the gym. And somewhere in between my parent’s and home it was like a nasty wave washed over me. It was almost a physical pain. As I’ve said, being home alone isn’t weird. It wasn’t her absence from the house it was her absence in general. Like a vast hole. And I couldn’t shake it. I went to the gym. Couldn’t shake it. Came home, changed, couldn’t shake it. Finally, after a night by the fire watching a favorite movie and once again having wonderful friends who constantly talk me down from the ledge a phone call away, I began to feel like I was balancing out again. Im not sure what brought it on but I think it may have simultaneously been a rough night and a night of healing. I sit here now feeling much better. I am once again looking forward and ready for a thousand tomorrows. The sun is coming through the windows, snow occasionally falling and a cold wind blowing. More frozen days are ahead but the sun peeking through the clouds and the green of the plants in my living room remind me that spring and warm days outside are ahead. I couldn’t be more ready. I feel a summer of LIVING coming on and the warmth of the summer sun in my mind warms my heart too.
40 day periods turn up frequently in the Bible. The Hebrews wandered the desert for 40 years. Jesus spent 40 days in the wilderness leaving us with 40 days of Lent. And Noah and his floating petting zoo were on a sea cruise after 40 days of rain. So here I am after my own 40 days. While obviously the pain and sadness are not gone, I am winning the battle. I think Im winning by a long shot. The sadness has its times. Sometimes I just need to let it out…sort of an emotional dialysis. It is inevitable that there will be days where I am drawn back to the final month…and there is a sadness that will come with that. But more and more I am drawn to happier times. To the smile, to the spark, to the Stephanie who was beautiful inside and out. I am drawn to the master teacher who’s greatest lesson was the one she taught us all for 7 years: That dark days and fear will come. They occur in this world. But we are not bound by them nor do we need to be broken by them. LIFE IS A CHOICE! You can choose sorrow, pity and solitude. Or you can choose joy, thankfulness, giving of yourself and openness. I know she wanted to know that I would be ok if she wasn’t here. I think she can be at ease. I woke this morning and had a sense of “I’m going to be OK.” That was what she wanted when she was here. She told me as much.
My count will continue to the one year mark. Not for any reason other than I want it to. I want to mark it as accomplishments in living. There will be another anniversary. December 5 of this year will come. And on that day we will glance up in reflection at a physical presence no longer with us. But more than that I want to invite you to look to that day with me as a day to celebrate a life lived fully and abundantly so much so that a nearly tangible inspiration still lives within us, even as she dances in the light. I’d like to see a coming together that day. We can make it happen. We can make a day where we all Live Give and Love together. Share this. Pass it on. Tell the story. On a day when we celebrate a man who preached love over hate, lets share the legacy of a woman who lived a life of grace, hope and love over fear and bitterness.
Peace,
Sammy