March 20, 2013

  • 2 ENTRIES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!!!!!

    Ok so here’s two posts that I just never got uploaded. Big one coming this weekend, so this can be the opening act!

     

    Separation Anxiety

     

    February 23, 2013 From Home.

     

    Its been an interesting week to say the least. First and foremost my trip to Houston was wonderful. It was a bit of a cleansing breath as I hoped. From time with dear friends, to meeting up with the team at MD Anderson and just visiting the places we always went to (mostly restaraunts if you can believe that); it was just a good positive healing experience.

    Now I am home. I have to admit I felt more home in Houston. Some people don’t like to hear that because they think it means I am going to move there tomorrow or something. I wont lie, I love it there and Steph and I talked of it often as her battle wore on, but that’s not something you really do on the fly. Others see it as a sad thing that Houston feels like home. Kind of like “Oh you have so many memories there…it must be so sad for that to feel like home when your home is here.” Actually I have a lot of good memories there. Tough ones too. But see here’s the kicker: our battle brought us closer and so it created many happy memories there. We had great dinners out, trips to the beach, time with friends, even some of our time at the hospital is happy memories. Also it is just a place I like to be. Its warm, there is lots to do and it makes me happy to be in that city.

    So now life back in Ohio continues. Ive been sad to be away from my friends in Texas and from the place that became a second home. If I could go again tomorrow for a trip I would. But summer and time to travel in June will be here before I know it. In the mean time there is lots to do here and friends and family to spend time with. And those are good things.

    The last couple of days a sadness has hit me. Out of the blue. Just tears from nowhere. I couldn’t figure it out. I knew it was better around people but worse when I was alone. This morning I figured it out. My family and friends can fill the void left by Stephanie’s physical presence. People experience loss and move on with there lives and those that are still here can fill a physical presence. I can watch a movie with another person, I can drink coffee with another person or sit by another person in church or take a road trip with another person. And I have so many wonderful people in my life to do those things with. But nothing fills the void of WHO Stephanie was because no other person is her. I watched a show I like on HBO this morning. And I teared up. See I started to think about when she and I had watched it and the coversations we would have. I could watch that show with 1000 different people and have 1000 different conversations. None would be the same. None would be her. People go forward with life. People forge new relationships and many who are widowed re-marry in time. But no two people are the same and that is the greatest challenge. You don’t replace people. Tv’s, shower nozzles, cars; you replace those. Not people. And that is now the greatest challenge of Life 2.0. How to you fix the unfixable solution? Time. Love. Friends. Family. Faith. I think those might be some of the ingredients. Just go forward and learn to integrate Stephanie into this new life so that her joy comes through. Nothing will ever make her absence not-painful on an emotional level. It just can’t be done. But the people I hold close in my life bring their own gifts and ability to sustain me and I can hopefully do the same for them.

     

     

    Resurgence

    Friday March 8, 2013

     

    Its been a few months since a posting hiatus this long. Its been an incredibly busy time and I feel the end of the school year coming on like a truck. At the same time I can see the long warm days of summer in the distance and they are coming too and with them a continued rebirth in Life 2.0.

     

    My students performed wonderfully at district contest. I have to mention them here. It is a privilege to work with this group of young people. Many of them and their parents know the challenges from my early days at EC along with Stephanie’s story. The day of her passing was the day of our concert and they performed that night. I continue to be moved by the images from the concert that night and the support I have been shown. If you do or have ever believed that teenagers are not capable of great maturity, love, compassion and accomplishment, well its my pleasure to tell you that you are wrong. On my darkest day they told me to lean on them. And they haven’t let up since. They played beautifully last week.

     

    That aside it has been a week of looking at life through continual new lenses. March has come in like a wintry lion and yet as we move toward the thaw coming this weekend, I can see spring on the horizon. I feel in my mind the coming of warming temperatures, the trees and grass being green once again and life taking in a breath of fresh air. I think that was a part of why my trip to Houston felt so refreshing. It is never really winter there the way it is here. 50 degrees is cold. Frost on the car is a true annoyance instead of just what happens. I need the spring and summer sun and the outdoor breeze and the changes that a summer in Life 2.0 is sure to bring along with time on the bike, vacation with the family and eventually the start of marching band – now one of my favorite parts of my job.

     

    Its ironic: the farther I get out from Stephanie’s passing the more I seem to think about her and hear her voice in my daily life. I have often talked about feeling like I am getting messages in a bottle in a way. I will have a question on my mind that I wonder about Stephanie or about some way I am feeling. And someone just answers it. That would be perfectly not-spooky if it weren’t for one small detail: I never actually ask them the question. It just gets answered. A friend says that’s her way of communicating with me now. Ill buy that. It brings comfort. Sometimes it simply comes in the form of a song that comes across the radio. But it is there. I can hear her voice and feel her encouraging me every day. I think she’d be proud. At least I hope she would. Everyone tells me she would so maybe that’s the message in the bottle I should pay the closest attention to.

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