December 22, 2012
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Directional Movement
Posted by Sammy
December 21, 2012
From My Apocalypse-Free basement
Forward. It’s a simple direction. One foot in front of the other. Move from point A to point B. Every May it’s the first concept we teach the hornline in our marching band. Move forward. It’s a basic, easy idea. At least it was.
Forward.
Now it is a matter of applying it to life. And suddenly it’s a whole lot more complicated. Because what is behind isn’t really behind. It is with me forever. My life with Stephanie is simply in a new phase now. No matter what direction my life takes from here my 12 years with her have forever shaped who and what I am and will continue to do so, always until my final breath. I will never not be affected by it nor will I full every leave any piece of it behind. It is integrated into me. Woven into my being. Yet there is always a human sensation of leaving something or someone behind; its something we do. We humans for some reason love to gravitate to the negative. But that is a choice. Direction and reaction are a choice.
Forward. With grace.
The reality is I do not leave any bit of my life behind. I take it with me in a new reality. A new way of being and living. Of Living, Giving and Loving. I have a choice. I am not naïve enough to think I will not be challenged. I am. Every day. Sometimes I will simply need to let my sadness and loss flow. To have a moment of emotional release. I did that today. I stood at the cemetery, looking at Stephanie’s grave where there was ironically just a little more snow than anywhere else. I started crying. Sadness at what was, what could have been. I was full of sadness and anger that today should have been the first day of Christmas break together. We would sit on the couch, watch Christmas movies, drink coffee and go shopping. Not any more. So I wept. And then I had an image of Stephanie: blond hair, winter coat on, that smile that could light up a dark city jumping in happiness, blowing me a kiss and walking away. And I smiled. I truly believe she is celebrating Christmas with our Father. That is my faith and that gives me comfort and peace. So did that image in my mind. She is free. Free of cancer, of pain, of chemo of surgery of all of it. She is in a place of pure eternal joy. If she were here I’d joke that its starting to sound like I got the bum end of the deal. I still have to get up at 5 am. But as many of you told me, I get to pick up where she left off. And it is an honor to do so. A privilege. And I will do my best to carry on in that light.
Forward. With Love.
So what now? Our old question. One foot in front of the other. And always in love. Love for Steph and all we meant to each other. 12 years of becoming something special. So I carry it forward. And I continue to love; my family, my friends, all those who have cared for and supported me through the last two weeks and who I know will be there beyond. I can show that love in, as I heal, supporting others who are fighting this battle. I can work to raise the money that will kill the monster for good. To be the voice for those who cannot speak for themselves. To fight for those who need an ally in this battle against cancer and it will be a joy to do this in love for my friends and family and of course for Stephanie. What if we all loved a little more every day? What could we accomplish?
So what now?
WHAT WILL YOU DO?
Forward. That’s what.
Forward.
Live. Give. Love.
Everyday. Carry it forward and do it all with as much grace as you can muster.
Here’s a start. We are up to over one thousand dollars in our fund already toward putting a grant forward in Stephanie’s name to fight sarcoma. The foundation will award it to a researcher who is ready to make real strides and innovations. Someone who is moving the fight FORWARD. Whats the goal? Double the amount every week. We CAN DO THIS. Send this link on. Forward it. Share this blog. Send people to me on Facebook. TELL THIS STORY!!! Maybe someone somewhere who just got diagnosed realizes they can fight. Maybe someone who is looking to get some payback on sarcoma sees this as a way. And maybe we tap into the good that is out there. With all that is in the news and our lives, so much tragedy it is too tempting to see all the negative. But there is GOOD and LOVE in this world and we can harness it to fight this disease and put an end to funerals that come to soon. WHAT WILL YOU DO?
Peace and Love,
Sammy
