January 12, 2013
-
Super Glue
January 12, 2013
11am from Home
Its exactly one month in for Life 2.0 as I type this. One month ago we all gathered at the church. We cried, laughed and held each other as we celebrated Stephanie’s life. Its dates like this where the reality hits me. Most days, honestly seem like any other day. I’ve talked of an empty feeling but during a busy week even that can take a back burner. I was asked this week if I was living in the house. I jokingly replied “well of course; it would be weird if I started living in my neighbor’s house.” But the reality is living in the house, just me and the cat…its not weird. It became normal. In fact normal for 7 years often looked like this:
Me and the cat by ourselves in the house for a week or two.
Then either A) go to texas for a few days, or B) Steph comes home for a few days/weeks.
Finish Cancer treatment/Steph come home
Adjust to living like actual people again
Cancer comes back
Repeat from beginning.
So being here and living by myself; its not that odd. In a way its helped the last month along. The absence of Steph’s physical presence is something I had to become used to in January 2006 when I came home from Texas the first time. Its days like today where I am reminded it is more. It hits when I leave school each day. That was when I always called her. I push the call button in the car and almost tell it to dial her daily. Things happen at school or out and about that I think “oh wait till I tell Steph”. That’s the odd part. Because can’t. Im sure, as I’ve been told by friends wiser in this process than me, that the 5th of every month will hit me all the way until December. I don’t doubt it. Each time I visit the cemetery it is surreal. It doesn’t seem possible that Im actually standing there and that the memorial wreath actually has her name on it. But it is real.
And yet, as I have said so often, hope is also real. Love is also real and a joyful life in the aftermath of this is real.
Those things are the glue that is putting me back together. People tell me about strength I display. Friends, this strength is reciprocal. I don’t think I am creating it. It is being given to me. By you, by God and yes, I think by Steph. A friend told me I show the same tenacity and spirit she did, almost like I inherited it. Ill buy that and I am honored to do that. I will live this like we lived cancer, as I’ve said. Take the phone issue. Is it sad when I want to call her and can’t? Duh. Of course it is. And it also makes me laugh. Let’s be for real, if I could tell her face to face about that, we’d make some horrible joke about it and turn it into a game. If the door to the next life swung both ways and we got a once a month chat, there would absolutely be a running bet as to who almost dialed the other more that month. And we’d laugh about it and the one who kept trying to dial the phone the most wouldn’t live it down. Little moments like that are why I choose joy over despair. Just like we both did for 7 years. Its ok to smile. Its ok to cry. But it is not ok to stay in neutral. There’s work to do and a life to live. And there is the love of family and friends to sustain all of us and for us to share.
Do you notice we throw the word hate around far more than the word love? Why as people are we so drawn to the negative? We gravitate to sorrow, pain and conflict. But what is that getting us? Count today how many times you say or you hear someone say “I hate that/him/her” versus “I love you/him/her/that”. Hate and sadness are easy. They don’t take any effort. You don’t have to give to hate. You take. Love is a challenge. I lived with a very simplistic view of love for much of my life. Saying I loved my friends seemed hokey. Do you ever tell a friend you love them? Do you mean it? Steph did. I learned that from her. She had always been like that. My sister said one time “Steph was cool BEFORE cancer too.” Its true. It redefined us and how we viewed things but she’s always been that dynamic loving person. Our trials though, really clarified everything and allowed us to see the bigger picture.
So today, one month after “Ill see you later”, Im throwing down a challenge to all of us, myself included.
Love.
Replace negativity and bitterness and despair with love. I felt shattered and broken after she passed. Like a glass doll dropped from a building. My family and friends were then like a great toymaker with an endless supply of love to use as super glue.
“Tests come to all believers. The Christian’s overcoming faith is shown in not indulging in self-pity and fear. The Christian is called to act on faith, to wait in joyous trust. God is going to reveal Himself in a new way in this trial, and some enduring blessing will result from it.”
That is from Stephs Facebook in November. I leave you with that to hold close and to find your path to joy.
Get your super glue. We have a life ahead to Live Give Love!
Peace,
Sammy
